just feeling a little overwhelmed.
i have friends in town, which is oh so glorious. and my heart is happy.
but i have a lot to do before india. the trip has been fully funded, but when I return, i'll suddenly be working part-time, off my current health insurance, living on some support, and probably scrounging up part time jobs.
I'm currently at 20% of my monthly support goal, still working full time, leading worship trying to figure out how i'm going to find time to sit down and more actively raise the rest of my monthly support, taking part time gigs where I can, and prepping for a trip out of the country. and with two weeks out of the country during the month when i need the support to arrive, i'm not sure how it's all going to pan out.
God is good. He WILL provide. But there's a lot I feel like I need to be doing that i'm not doing and I currently don't know when i'll find the time to do.
just feeling a little overwhelmed.

ok, i'm done pouting.
now i'm just singing this song over and over and over and over again.



i'm also now at 15% of my monthly support.
this number may seem small, but considering I was at 3% last week, I'd say this feels pretty good. We're in the double digits here, people. I still have a long way to go, but God is good. He will provide. That's my mantra the last two days (minus the pouting time yesterday).
"God, You WILL provide for me. You are good and You WILL provide."

I realized that I had said that about India. I had seen Him do it before and I had told a few people "i'm not worried about getting to India at all - it's just going to happen." And it did. Lickety Split. but i have always been nervous about this monthly thing. and hesitant to assume or proclaim that it will all come in so fast. I'm far too anxious about it. far too nervous. far too worrisome. yesterday didn't help. but yesterday is over and today is fresh and new. He WILL provide. He is good and He WILL provide.

I'm also being commissioned this weekend at church - a chance to let people know what i'm doing, that i'm in a place of raising support, that i'm in need of serious prayer, and that i'm ultimately doing it to serve God and serve them - the church. I'm excited for the chance to let people in on this, excited to see how God uses it to provide, and excited that i'm not leading worship this week so that I can actually be available after the service to chat and receive prayer.

Help me find my own flame.

it is well with my soul...almost.

remember last spring when i was job searching like mad?

i came so close so many times and just faced a lot of disappointment?

here we go again.

the position i applied for at the seminary, the part time one that i head everyone was so excited i had applied for, including the boss and the people in HR, the one that would have gone perfectly with my schedule out of here and into part-time ministry. that one.

crushed before my very eyes today as they walked the new employee through my office to introduce them to everyone.

I didn't even know they had started interviewing.

if i can't get a job here, it's ok.

if God has a different plan, it's ok.

but i hate getting my hopes up. i hate it when people don't communicate with me so that i'm lead to believe a completely different thing that what is actually happening.

i hate feeling foolish.

so i'm calling in the use of the pouty face today.

i promise not to rock it too long - because i'm pumped to see what else is on the horizon. but now i've got a lot on my brain until india. and i'm trying to face the reality that i probably wont get to stay here at gcts anymore. so i'm gonna work the pouty face just for today.

back on the horse soon, i promise.

also - turn on the "enter the worship circle" station on pandora.

every single song is speaking right to my heart right now.

much needed.

i'm on the cusp of something big.
i'll let you know when i figure out what the heck it is.

music i cant get enough of lately:

Vin Diesel was born Mark Sinclair Vincent.
I'm guessing maybe in high school kids started calling him "Vin."
Why did I not realize in high school how ridiculous his name is.
Vin Diesel.
Who comes up with these things?
And how is it that THESE are the people who get famous?
Happy Cinco de Mayo!

disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: It is embarassing how disconnected I am with world news and current events. Rarely do I take any political stance or engage in any in-depth conversations about political issues or current events. Any opinions I have are real and from the heart, but far from well-educated or well-informed.

The Facebook statuses that filled my newsfeed last night and this morning are still weighing on my heart. In the news of the death of Bin Laden may be found some justice for families and citizens whose lives have been deeply devastated by the acts of his group. Some may feel a sense of relief, of validation, of security now that he is gone. But this relief, this security, is false. This is not victory. We are not the victorious. There is only One who is truly just, only One who yields true Victory. The level of celebration in our country today is only a sad reminder to me how far we are from understanding real Victory. Innocent or guilty, I cannot bring myself to celebrate death, for I am just as deserving. Only one death brought victory and only one death is worthy of my celebration.

Father, teach us to love. Teach us to celebrate peace and justice rather than death and retaliation. In the midst of pain and chaos and devastating events, reveal to us daily the truth of who You are and remind us of Your presence. Bring Light to the dark and remind us that You have not left, that You are present, and that Your heart breaks for Your people. Remind us to look to You for a true example of justice and victory. We are a wounded people eager to pass blame, but You have already taken it all. We are deserving of death, yet You offer us life. Help us to live as though we actually understand and receive this gift.